2013
This is very personal, but by putting it here, I can refer to it later when things are seen through a different perspective. So bear with me friends.
All in all, this was a pretty crappy year. Nothing seemed to go right. I began to withdraw from all my activities and my friends. I got lazy, and spent too much time laying in bed watching TV. I didn't hike. I didn't want to hike. I only backpacked twice....TWICE. I dropped out of Trail Dames, which was hard to do, but a necessary step to take, so I thought. I gave up my board of directors position, I gave up the Head dame responsibilities. The immediate relief from responsibility was there, but within a couple of months, I knew that probably wasn't helping. Despite all my efforts, I fell right back into that deep, muddy rut. Then in August, I went back to work.
August was an amazing month professionally. I had totally turned everything around. Despite teaching the most difficult kids in the school, I was on fire. I had incredible activities, lessons, and a new computer program to use with them. I mean, when school started, I had 3 weeks of lessons planned, for 3 grade levels. It was great. Within a month, I was done. Totally, completely done. Every little thing that bothered me grew in magnitude within my brain and either made me angry, or made me break down in tears. Instead of seeking help from my friends, I became more and more isolated. I quit hiking, I really didn't do much along the lines of socializing. Every day grew darker, and more scary. I started having anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Every night was spent tossing and turning, sleep was way too elusive. I was lucky to make it through the day without crying. Everything I did had to be perfect, and I expected that of everyone else around me as well. Finally I broke down and told my doctor. Diagnosis: Depression.
The depression screening questions actually had him pretty nervous. He prescribed Lexapro, which I had taken several years ago. The minimal course for this run of prescriptions is 3 years. I am not a fan of medication, but he basically did not give me a choice this time. Take it or we will discuss alternatives. I didn't want to talk alternatives, so I gave in.
So fast forward 3 months. I am not out of the dark hole yet, but I am gripping the sides and getting ready to pull myself up over the edge. I fully expect being on the receiving end of many "why didn't you call me" or "I would have been there for you" statements. In fact, I have already dealt with many, many of those. And I know that I should have reached out.
But news alert, people that are really depressed, will NEVER do that. They will isolate themselves, and think they can fix things on their own. They will internalize all feelings and put on a brave face at work or in public. They will slip on occasion with the ones they love, and let the darkness show itself for a moment, but then, they will immediately call or email or text same loved one and tell them they are ok. It was just a moment. They didn't mean to upset anyone. They will then laugh with you, and kid with you, and talk normal with you. They will fake being interested in what you are saying or doing, but in all actuality, they just want to go back home and be alone. And all along, most of them will KNOW something is wrong, but will continue to think they can fix it themselves. Unfortunately, this doesn't often work. A chemical imbalance is just that. A healthy diet, exercise, therapy....all of this will help fight the symptoms, but bottom line is nothing will work until the chemicals are balanced. For me, it's Lexapro. Almost no side effects. Non-addicting. I'll try it.
So, what is going on today? I am feeling better. I have a meeting soon that may end up giving me back what I need the most. My kid is marrying one of the best men I have ever met, and I am beyond happy for them. I always wanted a son, now I will have one. Hopefully soon, I will have grandbabies I can spoil. :) Work is good again. I am planning many adventures for the spring and summer. I am almost home.
No resolutions this year, no goals, nothing specific to improve on. In 2014 I promise to be happier more often. That's it.
You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through- Rosalyn Carter.
Really admire your honesty, my friend. This is such a clear and revealing description of depression. You are so right- especially about what it looks like from the outside, and I hope that writing this not only helps you, but helps other people understand what it’s like, and answers the “why didn’t you call me” questions. I have total faith in you that you will get through this and find your happiness. Yay for a happier 2014.
ReplyDeleteThanks Joan, I think being open about everything will not only help me, but might help someone else that stumbles upon my blog one day. But I am feeling better every day!
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